Chris Gibbs
20th January 2008, 11:48 AM
When I was starting a new college course everyone was asked to write a short biography.
The tutor said, and I quote "Let's have something interesting, don't just write a list of things you've done, use your imagination"
So I did.
"Biography – Chris Gibbs
Born in the quaint Yorkshire village of Wedlock (actually just outside Wedlock) in a stable above which many people saw a shining star (which turned out to be the porch light on the nearby Lamb and Flag public house). He is the eldest son of a Russian Aristocrat and a French Countess, 23rd in line to the British crown, cousin of Prince Rainier of Monaco and the Crown Prince of Lithuania.
Massively Precocious he was able to walk at 3 weeks and to go on his first hiking holiday at 4 months (taking a seventeen year old girl with him). He first came to prominence when he was appointed Head Professor of Really Hard Sums at Cambridge university at the age of three. Having already passed 69(ooer) O levels and 52 A levels in Nursery, he obtained a degree in Quantum Physics without studying, by just turning up at the final exams (in a sailor suit).
After a brief career as a secret agent, during which he saved the world a total of six times, including the infamous ”riding the nuclear missile incident” and had a watch that could take ladies dresses off, he Married into the Getty family and became head of several multi-national companies before he was out of short trousers. Headhunted by Microsoft at the age of eight, he single handily wrote the code for Windows, but unfortunately left it on a bus and the second draft was done by ordinary geniuses. A chance lost. Bill Gates calls him “The power behind the throne”. He also holds the record for share dealing, making a sum greater than the national debt, one afternoon when he was at home with the flu.
As a chess grand master he travelled the world in his Lear jet which he flew himself after becoming the only under 12 to receive a full commercial pilots licence (with the best score ever). After the collapse of his second marriage to Patsy Kensit he became an international playboy, breaking the bank at Monte Carlo and becoming world scrabble champion in the same week. He once owned more cars than Ford and General Motors combined. Enzo Ferrari only started calling his cars by numbers after Chris wouldn’t let him name a new model after him. He bought houses in every country in the world, Including Kenya, where his head is still on all the coins and stamps and Grenada, (capital Christown) where he is worshiped as a god.
Much of the music of today is derivative of Chris’s early albums. After playing drums on most of the Beatles songs (after Ringo was “mysteriously” locked, repeatedly, in the toilet) and teaching a certain Eric Clapton how to play the guitar he was in all the most influential bands of the seventies. He invented Punk rock after he discovered Johnny Rotten singing in the back row of the St Winifreds school choir, suggesting a change of musical direction, the safety pin thing and gobbing. Disco, the New Romantics and Rave were all his idea, but not Stock, Aitken and Waterman. Garage music is called that because that’s where he was when he invented it, Today’s kids were only half an hour away from dancing to Upstairs Toilet music.
His film career as both actor and director saw him win a total of six Oscars, Despite working exclusively in the Porn industry. His genre was of course, the pornographic re-make. Who could forget classics such as “Mary Popouts” ,”The Sperminator” “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”? “Doing miss daisy” or The Hamshank redemption? Perhaps his most famous acting role was as “Luke Hugewanger” in “Star Whores”, although some prefer his ”Ben” in the epic “Ben Hurts” He later turned down the role of Rambo, describing it as “a bit pouffy”
Tiring of the Jet-set life he retired to the relative obscurity of science, he designed and test flew all the space shuttles, except the one that blew up, which he let his mum do “for a laugh”. He also probed the mysteries of space, discovering Pluto and another less well known planet – Goofy. It was he who was the inspiration for Steven Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” although the rumour that it was Chris who put him in the wheelchair after a particularly heavy drinking session and game of “Dare” have never been substantiated. Moving into research chemistry, he again excelled, inventing DNA, and a cure for AIDS which he's keeping to himself.
His sports career is unlikely to ever be equalled, in football he was capped for England a record 240 times, despite never playing for a league side because he “went shopping on Saturdays”. His cricket career for Yorkshire and England saw him take 5000 wickets and make 100,000 runs, wearing a Nike T-shirt and trainers because he didn’t look good in white. An international in basketball, hockey, swimming, rugby (league and union),skiing, tug-of-war and dwarf tossing (that’s throwing dwarfs by the way) he was BBC sports personality of the year ten years running. He also won the World Snooker Championship, when he wandered into the crucible Theatre whilst out shopping in Sheffield (on a Saturday).
Today he lives a simple life in his 565654 bedroom mansion (which is the only private dwelling that can be seen from space) in the posh part of Sheffield, a city which he now owns as well as being the Lord Mayor. Even his servants have servants. His parties are legend, lasting several weeks With nibbles flown in from Australia despite being available across the road, and debauchery that would make Caligula’s orgies look like Cliff Richard’s birthday bash. A turnstile was installed at the entrance to “ration” the number of women entering. His wardrobe consists only of fabrics that can be proved to come from endangered species and shoes that cost more than your house. A prolific writer, in the eighties and nineties he “ghost wrote” every Booker prize winning novel and the Harry Potter books. Since winning the Nobel prize for literature he writes much less - turning out perhaps two or three best sellers per year, giving him time for his other interests, Sheffield Wednesday, underwater falconry, classic cars and extreme german pornography.
Despite his intellect and his vast wealth he is STILL a better bloke than you, one of life's gentlemen. suave and sophisticated, debonair and handsome, calm, considerate and hung like a bull elephant."
A couple of things in that are TRUE,
can you spot them?
cheers
Chris :)
The tutor said, and I quote "Let's have something interesting, don't just write a list of things you've done, use your imagination"
So I did.
"Biography – Chris Gibbs
Born in the quaint Yorkshire village of Wedlock (actually just outside Wedlock) in a stable above which many people saw a shining star (which turned out to be the porch light on the nearby Lamb and Flag public house). He is the eldest son of a Russian Aristocrat and a French Countess, 23rd in line to the British crown, cousin of Prince Rainier of Monaco and the Crown Prince of Lithuania.
Massively Precocious he was able to walk at 3 weeks and to go on his first hiking holiday at 4 months (taking a seventeen year old girl with him). He first came to prominence when he was appointed Head Professor of Really Hard Sums at Cambridge university at the age of three. Having already passed 69(ooer) O levels and 52 A levels in Nursery, he obtained a degree in Quantum Physics without studying, by just turning up at the final exams (in a sailor suit).
After a brief career as a secret agent, during which he saved the world a total of six times, including the infamous ”riding the nuclear missile incident” and had a watch that could take ladies dresses off, he Married into the Getty family and became head of several multi-national companies before he was out of short trousers. Headhunted by Microsoft at the age of eight, he single handily wrote the code for Windows, but unfortunately left it on a bus and the second draft was done by ordinary geniuses. A chance lost. Bill Gates calls him “The power behind the throne”. He also holds the record for share dealing, making a sum greater than the national debt, one afternoon when he was at home with the flu.
As a chess grand master he travelled the world in his Lear jet which he flew himself after becoming the only under 12 to receive a full commercial pilots licence (with the best score ever). After the collapse of his second marriage to Patsy Kensit he became an international playboy, breaking the bank at Monte Carlo and becoming world scrabble champion in the same week. He once owned more cars than Ford and General Motors combined. Enzo Ferrari only started calling his cars by numbers after Chris wouldn’t let him name a new model after him. He bought houses in every country in the world, Including Kenya, where his head is still on all the coins and stamps and Grenada, (capital Christown) where he is worshiped as a god.
Much of the music of today is derivative of Chris’s early albums. After playing drums on most of the Beatles songs (after Ringo was “mysteriously” locked, repeatedly, in the toilet) and teaching a certain Eric Clapton how to play the guitar he was in all the most influential bands of the seventies. He invented Punk rock after he discovered Johnny Rotten singing in the back row of the St Winifreds school choir, suggesting a change of musical direction, the safety pin thing and gobbing. Disco, the New Romantics and Rave were all his idea, but not Stock, Aitken and Waterman. Garage music is called that because that’s where he was when he invented it, Today’s kids were only half an hour away from dancing to Upstairs Toilet music.
His film career as both actor and director saw him win a total of six Oscars, Despite working exclusively in the Porn industry. His genre was of course, the pornographic re-make. Who could forget classics such as “Mary Popouts” ,”The Sperminator” “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”? “Doing miss daisy” or The Hamshank redemption? Perhaps his most famous acting role was as “Luke Hugewanger” in “Star Whores”, although some prefer his ”Ben” in the epic “Ben Hurts” He later turned down the role of Rambo, describing it as “a bit pouffy”
Tiring of the Jet-set life he retired to the relative obscurity of science, he designed and test flew all the space shuttles, except the one that blew up, which he let his mum do “for a laugh”. He also probed the mysteries of space, discovering Pluto and another less well known planet – Goofy. It was he who was the inspiration for Steven Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time” although the rumour that it was Chris who put him in the wheelchair after a particularly heavy drinking session and game of “Dare” have never been substantiated. Moving into research chemistry, he again excelled, inventing DNA, and a cure for AIDS which he's keeping to himself.
His sports career is unlikely to ever be equalled, in football he was capped for England a record 240 times, despite never playing for a league side because he “went shopping on Saturdays”. His cricket career for Yorkshire and England saw him take 5000 wickets and make 100,000 runs, wearing a Nike T-shirt and trainers because he didn’t look good in white. An international in basketball, hockey, swimming, rugby (league and union),skiing, tug-of-war and dwarf tossing (that’s throwing dwarfs by the way) he was BBC sports personality of the year ten years running. He also won the World Snooker Championship, when he wandered into the crucible Theatre whilst out shopping in Sheffield (on a Saturday).
Today he lives a simple life in his 565654 bedroom mansion (which is the only private dwelling that can be seen from space) in the posh part of Sheffield, a city which he now owns as well as being the Lord Mayor. Even his servants have servants. His parties are legend, lasting several weeks With nibbles flown in from Australia despite being available across the road, and debauchery that would make Caligula’s orgies look like Cliff Richard’s birthday bash. A turnstile was installed at the entrance to “ration” the number of women entering. His wardrobe consists only of fabrics that can be proved to come from endangered species and shoes that cost more than your house. A prolific writer, in the eighties and nineties he “ghost wrote” every Booker prize winning novel and the Harry Potter books. Since winning the Nobel prize for literature he writes much less - turning out perhaps two or three best sellers per year, giving him time for his other interests, Sheffield Wednesday, underwater falconry, classic cars and extreme german pornography.
Despite his intellect and his vast wealth he is STILL a better bloke than you, one of life's gentlemen. suave and sophisticated, debonair and handsome, calm, considerate and hung like a bull elephant."
A couple of things in that are TRUE,
can you spot them?
cheers
Chris :)