Chris Gibbs
7th February 2008, 06:02 PM
Planet Earth is sometimes a baffling place.
With some things it’s best not to even try to work it out – the female mind being one. It's a pickle of a riddle of a mystery of a conundrum to me.
You’ll all identify with this.
She’s sitting there with a face like a wet weekend in Ormskirk, and you’re a kind, sensitive, New Man type of bloke so you say “what’s the matter?”
She says “nothing”
So you wander off into the garage.
When you come back in she’s got the old “arms folded, haven’t seen you” thing going on.
So you say ”what’s up?” and she replies “nothing”
So you nip out for a pint.
When you come in she’s gone to bed.
The next morning she looks like a gargoyle sucking a lemon through a tramp's sock. No breakfast, no clean shirt.
So you ask “what’s the matter dear?”
Then you get the line that has struck fear into the stoutest of male hearts.
IF YOU DON’T KNOW THEN I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!
This leaves you in a bit of a quandary.
You feel compelled to try and find out what’s going on but really you couldn’t give a toss, you just want a quiet life.
So you’ll come out with something soppy like “have I done something to upset you?”
Silence
Your feeble male mind will try and make rational sense of the situation, this is a big mistake.
If you say something like “Is this because I was sick on your auntie’s shoes” not only will you NEVER guess right, but you’ve given her a bigger stick to beat you with.
The actual problem is that women are surreal.
What’s bothering her will have no relation to normal life at all and you won’t find out what it is until she’s ready.
The secret of a happy marriage is to realise that everything without fail, is your fault. Take the blame – even if it’s blatantly nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done.
You need to harness the awesome power of “yes dear”
A woman’s mind is equipped with a filing system which Microsoft have been trying to break the code of for many years. They can recall incidents from years before that you’ve totally forgotten and that were insignificant at the time.
No word of a lie, this actually happened to me once.
I saw some random woman on TV and foolishly said “she looks nice”.
I realised that I’d made a mistake, so I changed the subject.
One and a quarter hours later she says “well, I suppose she’s your type”
“Pardon?”
“That woman, she’s your type”
“Where did that come from?”
“Yes she’s very like her”
"Like who ?"
"Oh don’t pretend you don’t know who I mean!"
At this point I’m completely and utterly without a clue, The only information I have is that this person is female – half the world's population - it doesn’t cut it down that much.
Me being me, I said “Mother Teresa? Margaret Thatcher? Florence off magic roundabout? WHO ?
“huh……”
I found out FOUR DAYS later that she meant an ex girlfriend who I had difficulty remembering, never mind lusting after!
So ladies, think about this.
If we ask you what the matter is and you say “nothing” Then being rational human beings we will think that nothing is wrong
We will go on with our lives confident in the knowledge that as far as you’re concerned everything’s fine.
We won’t wonder if you are in some inner turmoil, we won’t sit and hold your hand and try to “work through it” with you, we won’t fret all day mulling it over.
As I said you’re probably best not thinking about it, I’ve got a headache now……..
cheers
Chris:D
With some things it’s best not to even try to work it out – the female mind being one. It's a pickle of a riddle of a mystery of a conundrum to me.
You’ll all identify with this.
She’s sitting there with a face like a wet weekend in Ormskirk, and you’re a kind, sensitive, New Man type of bloke so you say “what’s the matter?”
She says “nothing”
So you wander off into the garage.
When you come back in she’s got the old “arms folded, haven’t seen you” thing going on.
So you say ”what’s up?” and she replies “nothing”
So you nip out for a pint.
When you come in she’s gone to bed.
The next morning she looks like a gargoyle sucking a lemon through a tramp's sock. No breakfast, no clean shirt.
So you ask “what’s the matter dear?”
Then you get the line that has struck fear into the stoutest of male hearts.
IF YOU DON’T KNOW THEN I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU!
This leaves you in a bit of a quandary.
You feel compelled to try and find out what’s going on but really you couldn’t give a toss, you just want a quiet life.
So you’ll come out with something soppy like “have I done something to upset you?”
Silence
Your feeble male mind will try and make rational sense of the situation, this is a big mistake.
If you say something like “Is this because I was sick on your auntie’s shoes” not only will you NEVER guess right, but you’ve given her a bigger stick to beat you with.
The actual problem is that women are surreal.
What’s bothering her will have no relation to normal life at all and you won’t find out what it is until she’s ready.
The secret of a happy marriage is to realise that everything without fail, is your fault. Take the blame – even if it’s blatantly nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done.
You need to harness the awesome power of “yes dear”
A woman’s mind is equipped with a filing system which Microsoft have been trying to break the code of for many years. They can recall incidents from years before that you’ve totally forgotten and that were insignificant at the time.
No word of a lie, this actually happened to me once.
I saw some random woman on TV and foolishly said “she looks nice”.
I realised that I’d made a mistake, so I changed the subject.
One and a quarter hours later she says “well, I suppose she’s your type”
“Pardon?”
“That woman, she’s your type”
“Where did that come from?”
“Yes she’s very like her”
"Like who ?"
"Oh don’t pretend you don’t know who I mean!"
At this point I’m completely and utterly without a clue, The only information I have is that this person is female – half the world's population - it doesn’t cut it down that much.
Me being me, I said “Mother Teresa? Margaret Thatcher? Florence off magic roundabout? WHO ?
“huh……”
I found out FOUR DAYS later that she meant an ex girlfriend who I had difficulty remembering, never mind lusting after!
So ladies, think about this.
If we ask you what the matter is and you say “nothing” Then being rational human beings we will think that nothing is wrong
We will go on with our lives confident in the knowledge that as far as you’re concerned everything’s fine.
We won’t wonder if you are in some inner turmoil, we won’t sit and hold your hand and try to “work through it” with you, we won’t fret all day mulling it over.
As I said you’re probably best not thinking about it, I’ve got a headache now……..
cheers
Chris:D