Chris Gibbs
19th January 2008, 02:54 PM
These days fame is very fleeting, most popular housemate in big brother one month, guesting at a nightclub in Barnsley soon after.
The oportunities for fame are numerous but LASTING fame can be more difficult, in days gone by the working lad could become a boxer to escape the poverty trap or pick up his guitar and become a rock god, now 20,000 people arrive at the X factor auditions and if you win you can be like Steve.........er....whatever his name was.
I've thought long and hard about this and I've discovered that there is only one avenue open to the ambitious fame seeker in these days of "famous for fiffteen minutes", a way to become a household name for a millenia after you're dead.
Become a serial killer.
What was the no.1 record in july 1860?, you don't know do you? But you all know what Jack the Ripper was up to don't you?
Fred West or Joe Dolce? Hmmm?
Yes, dismemberment and mayhem is the way forward for today's go-getter.
What will you need?
A strong stomach is one obvious requirement, boiling human heads in a pressure cooker is not work for the squemish, nor is chopping through that last tendon in a confined space.
Most serial killers tend to favour the "cut up and hide round the house" method, which of course has it's limits, there are only so many alcoves that need filling-in, in the average two bed semi and boiling flesh and putting it down the drains causes you a little local difficulty when the man from dino-rod comes round - he's used to pulling nine inch big jobs out but a forearm and three eyeballs might spoil his entire day. Heads in the fridge is quite a good one, and it gives you someone to talk to while you're getting a sandwich. You should always claim to have eaten some of your victims - a vegetarian serial killer is a dull serial killer. Ribs shouldn't be too difficult to get down, particularly with barbecue sauce and a brain coolie.
Speaking of cutting up, the worlds your oyster. Jointing a well hung rent boy is going to be difficult with a cheese knife, you need weight and length. your typical physcopath turns to our old friend the hacksaw, a little tip here, legs are easier to remove if the body's been in the freezer for a couple of weeks. Other favourites include the machette(messy) the chainsaw (messier) or the wood chipping machine (downright gruesome).
Image is everything with your modern dealer in death, but the image you want is not what you might expect. you have to cultivate "Ordinary", when Sky News are knocking on your neighbour's doors you want them to say"He was an ordinary bloke" and "he kept himself to himself". if they say "we had to get the council in because of all the screaming" or "My dog was forever bringing in shin bones" then your reign of terror is likely to be exteremly short.
Getting caught is of course a occupational hazard, in fact if you get caught after the first one then technically you're just a murderer, page 4 of the Sun - not good. You might consider killing twenty people at once, say, by machine gunning a bus full of nuns, but again, my friend, technically that makes you a mass murderer, not the same thing at all, the cells at Broadmoor aren't nearly as plush.
You'll need a cover story and this usually takes the form of some variation on "God told me to do it" Now you know it's rubbish, but you've only got to persuade phsycologists who are notoriously gullible - I once sold one Shakespeares laptop. The next bit's tricky - 30 odd years in prison, but you'll get that little glow knowing that every time you're turned down for paroll, there'll be a newsnight special all about you.
Killing and eating the population - it's the new rock and roll!
Cheers
Chris :)
The oportunities for fame are numerous but LASTING fame can be more difficult, in days gone by the working lad could become a boxer to escape the poverty trap or pick up his guitar and become a rock god, now 20,000 people arrive at the X factor auditions and if you win you can be like Steve.........er....whatever his name was.
I've thought long and hard about this and I've discovered that there is only one avenue open to the ambitious fame seeker in these days of "famous for fiffteen minutes", a way to become a household name for a millenia after you're dead.
Become a serial killer.
What was the no.1 record in july 1860?, you don't know do you? But you all know what Jack the Ripper was up to don't you?
Fred West or Joe Dolce? Hmmm?
Yes, dismemberment and mayhem is the way forward for today's go-getter.
What will you need?
A strong stomach is one obvious requirement, boiling human heads in a pressure cooker is not work for the squemish, nor is chopping through that last tendon in a confined space.
Most serial killers tend to favour the "cut up and hide round the house" method, which of course has it's limits, there are only so many alcoves that need filling-in, in the average two bed semi and boiling flesh and putting it down the drains causes you a little local difficulty when the man from dino-rod comes round - he's used to pulling nine inch big jobs out but a forearm and three eyeballs might spoil his entire day. Heads in the fridge is quite a good one, and it gives you someone to talk to while you're getting a sandwich. You should always claim to have eaten some of your victims - a vegetarian serial killer is a dull serial killer. Ribs shouldn't be too difficult to get down, particularly with barbecue sauce and a brain coolie.
Speaking of cutting up, the worlds your oyster. Jointing a well hung rent boy is going to be difficult with a cheese knife, you need weight and length. your typical physcopath turns to our old friend the hacksaw, a little tip here, legs are easier to remove if the body's been in the freezer for a couple of weeks. Other favourites include the machette(messy) the chainsaw (messier) or the wood chipping machine (downright gruesome).
Image is everything with your modern dealer in death, but the image you want is not what you might expect. you have to cultivate "Ordinary", when Sky News are knocking on your neighbour's doors you want them to say"He was an ordinary bloke" and "he kept himself to himself". if they say "we had to get the council in because of all the screaming" or "My dog was forever bringing in shin bones" then your reign of terror is likely to be exteremly short.
Getting caught is of course a occupational hazard, in fact if you get caught after the first one then technically you're just a murderer, page 4 of the Sun - not good. You might consider killing twenty people at once, say, by machine gunning a bus full of nuns, but again, my friend, technically that makes you a mass murderer, not the same thing at all, the cells at Broadmoor aren't nearly as plush.
You'll need a cover story and this usually takes the form of some variation on "God told me to do it" Now you know it's rubbish, but you've only got to persuade phsycologists who are notoriously gullible - I once sold one Shakespeares laptop. The next bit's tricky - 30 odd years in prison, but you'll get that little glow knowing that every time you're turned down for paroll, there'll be a newsnight special all about you.
Killing and eating the population - it's the new rock and roll!
Cheers
Chris :)