not mine but funny non the less

[fabbyglass]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in East London .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.

" McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.


The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.


The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland ," he says, "Fencing".

[fabbyglass]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response,

'Well, I'll be damned, '

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man

and apologized.

'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here

that the Pope does.'



MORAL: Make sure you understand the question

[fabbyglass]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its bonnet up and asked, 'Is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is




Scroll down







OIL.......:rolleyes:

[fabbyglass]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.



A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

[fabbyglass]

A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet.
His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up.
The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book.
But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.
His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right? You've Been In Here For A While".
Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mummy... I Just Haven't Done It Yet. "
Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.
But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"



Billy Says: "it Works For Tomato Sauce!"

[flyerncle]

Does anybody know you are out alone with a puta Mark :p

[fabbyglass]

Does anybody know you are out alone with a puta Mark :p

sssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:eek:

[les g]

sssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:eek:

suppose thats what they mean by gone west
cheers les g

[JakeH]

brilliant, the blonde one brightened up my day quite a bit!