Good idea this one

[fabbyglass]

David Cameron has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week all the forms will be printed in English. :D

[fabbyglass]

Husband says to wife “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear gold tonight”. Wife says “why don’t you wear silver and come second for a change”.

[fabbyglass]

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said “English speaking Doctor” - I thought what a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country. :D

[fabbyglass]

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the cord on their tampons with a piece of tinsel. This will be for the Christmas period only.......:rolleyes:

[fabbyglass]

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bollocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets! :D

[Deanno]

I replaced my misses tampon with a party popper, for some reason she did'nt find it as funny as me for some reason :D :D :D

[RAYLEE29]

Bloke goes to the Doctor complaining that he's hearing voices coming from his underpants!

Doctor says "dont worry theyre just talking bollocks"

Ray:D

[flyerncle]

Thought you had given up on the resin and hardener Mark :p .

[spud69]

Thought you had given up on the resin and hardener Mark :p .

Think he might have substituted it with something else Paul.....:D

[geeksandlies]

Man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, doctor, i am addicted to twitter!" Doctors says "I'm sorry i dont follow you..."

[geeksandlies]

What's the difference between George Bush's head and a watermelon? One is fun to smash with a sledge hammer, the other is a watermelon.

[tkpm]

Bacon Tree...

Two illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."


SO SORRY.... I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldn't help it!
The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent, didn't you - I know you did!

[Davey]

I think these few might be apt:

Understanding Engineers


Understanding Engineers: we are not the best communicators, hope this helps!
I think these may have been around before, but are still funny.


Understanding Engineers One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my
own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers Two

To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They
lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons
Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have
designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections. "
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."

D.